Who is This For? Developing goals and values that work for you.

AI-generated image of a man staring in a mirror, seeing images of why he might be working towards specific goals.

"I really should get back in shape."

Read that sentence again, and what do you notice? Not the goal of getting back in shape, but the word sitting before it.

Should.

We say it about the gym, budget, church, diets, family time...it's a word that forever looms in our everyday language, carrying a tag of responsibility. The truth is, most of the time it's a borrowed perspective or reason that is pushing us through the doorway of change.

Don't worry, you're not alone. I've chased goals like that plenty of times. Ones that I could explain to anyone at a cookout, and couldn't explain to myself the next day at 5 a.m. (Those were the goals that were always the first to go).

The borrowed jacket

Picture a jacket that you borrowed for an event. Whether it's from a friend or family member, or maybe you rented it at the venue. It's a nice jacket, and it works for the occasion, but it just doesn't fit quite right. It pulls in the shoulders, the sleeves ride up just a little too high, and you would never wear it on a random Tuesday evening.

That's what a lot of resolutions (and goals) are. They're borrowed jackets. They look nice, might even feel ok, but they only fit during the occasion. Not tailored for you.

Goals and values research

Psychologists Kennon Sheldon and Andrew Elliot sorted the reasons people chase goals into four different categories:

• Someone expects it. A boss, spouse, a doctor, or the internet (social media pressures).

• I'd feel guilty if I didn't. Internal pressures shaped by what you believe you need or should do. Still not fully your belief or desire.

• I believe it matters. You chose it because it aligns with something you value or hope to achieve.

• I enjoy it. The activity itself draws you toward the goal.

Across their studies, goals driven by the last two got more sustained effort and were reached more often. Goals driven by the first two tended to stall. People reached some of them, but reaching them didn't make them any happier.

In Strom Coaching language, the first two are within the Undertow. The last two rest within the Bedrock, which is the foundation and where the gold sits-our values, principles, and core beliefs.

The fair pushback

"But wait. My doctor told me that I need to lose weight. You're saying that's an external reason; should I ignore it?"

Absolutely not! Plenty of goals start as someone else's idea, or from external pressure. The research doesn't say outside reasons are bad or completely ineffective. It says they provide very little fuel. The work is to attach it to what's underneath. What's your real reason under the doctor's?

Think back to last week's blog, where I encouraged you to keep asking why. When you say, "My doctor said so," it can easily run out in February. When you sit with your reason for losing weight and connect it to something more important and meaningful to you, your goal gets a different fuel source and a better chance of success. So instead of what the doctor says, you uncover your reason for losing weight: you hope to walk your daughter down the aisle. This is what happens when you align your goals and values.

Same goal. Different engine. Different outcome.

Your three options

Once you see a borrowed reason, you've got real choices, and each costs something:

• Find your own reason for the same goal. Cost: Honest work, and you might not actually find it.

• Keep it on borrowed fuel. Cost: It may carry you a few weeks, and it'll probably leave you stranded by spring.

• Drop it. Cost: You might disappoint someone, potentially yourself. You also free up room for a goal that's actually yours.

I'd encourage you to try the first one before choosing between the other two. By taking an honest look at finding your own reason, you might discover that dropping a goal that was never claimed by you is the most honest decision, and honesty counts!

Try this: The Four Reasons Sorting (10 minutes)

1. Write down the resolution you're considering.

2. Score each reason from 1 to 10 for how true it is:

   1. Someone expects this of me.

   2. I'd feel guilty or ashamed if I didn't do this.

   3. I believe this matters for my life.

   4. I enjoy it (or I'd enjoy who I become doing it).

3. Add the first two. Add the last two

4. If the first total wins, ask yourself: "What would make this mine?" Write until you find a value, or admit that there isn't one.

5. Take the value you found and make it watchable. "Health" is a word. "Climbing the stairs without stopping," or "Bending down to put the kids on my back" is something you can visualize happening.

Before you put your pen down, ask yourself these final questions:

• Whose voice do I hear when I say "should/need"?

• If nobody ever saw me keep this resolution, would I still want it?

• What would it look like to claim it?

Comment below on what goals you are eyeing, and what you have discovered about your "Why"

Find Your Current, Flow With Purpose

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James Seastrom is a U.S. Navy veteran and ICF-credentialed coach who spent 20 years developing teams before moving into Corporate leadership at Oracle NetSuite, where he learned that performance follows people: invest in their growth, and the results follow. He founded Strom Coaching on one idea: most people don't lose their way in one bad decision. They drift. Today he facilitates leadership development courses at Stagen Leadership Academy and coaches service members through career transition to civilian life.