The Great Let-Down: When "Friends" Let You Down

That person who let you down will probably let you down again. It's not their fault (and it's not yours).

Often, we put our faith or trust in someone we thought would show up when it mattered. We believed we could rely on them because of what they’ve said, or the way we've seen them show up for others. Somewhere in that hope, we convince ourselves they’ll do the same for us.

But that isn’t always the case.

One of the patterns we fall into is letting the same people disappoint us over and over again. And we keep getting hurt because we keep placing our faith in someone who hasn’t shown they’re capable of being faithful. This shows up in relationships, friendships, and even in family dynamics (parents, siblings, etc.).

We hold on because, in our minds, it’s the right thing to do. It’s tied to our values, our convictions, our beliefs about loyalty, connection, and what relationships “should” look like.

But here’s the truth: they’re living their life the only way they know how. They’re doing the best they can based on their conditioning, their beliefs, and their patterns. Even if we don’t consciously say, “Hey, you need to change for me,” deep down, a part of us really wants them to.

We show up for them.

We answer the call.

We’re there when they need something.

Why do we do that when they don't return the calls, are too busy for us, or flake when we need them?

It's because it aligns with who we are.

And that hurts. It can make us angry, sad, and lonely. It shakes the foundation of what we thought the relationship was.

The gap between how we hoped they would respond and how they actually did is where the real story begins. Not their story, but ours. When this incongruency occurs, we tell ourselves little stories:

“This person is reliable.”

“This person doesn’t care.”

“This person isn't trustworthy.”

“This person is a piece of crap.” (It might sound harsh, but it's probably nicer than what some stories we really say....)

"This person is ___________."

We fill in the blanks with our perceptions, and so what do we do when this happens? How can we keep having the same internal struggle within this relationship, and how do I share how it makes me feel? Here are a few options you can choose.

1. Avoid it.

• Do nothing, and the next time you reach out, you’ll probably get more of the same -silence, short replies, unmet expectations, and this can keep you stuck in the loop.

2. Address it directly.

• Not with aggression, but with honesty and clarity.

  • “Hey, can we talk for 15 minutes? There’s something I want to run by you.”

• Get the pleasantries out of the way, then share the facts:

  • “I reached out. I didn’t hear back.” (Facts, no opinions, no thought or feelings).

• The story you told yourself around those facts:

  • “It left me feeling like the relationship wasn’t what I thought it was and I was a little upset by it.”

You’re not accusing. You’re owning your interpretation. You’re giving them space to respond. Now they have choices to confirm the story you've told yourself, they can avoid it themselves, or they can share their side of the story to help you fill in the gaps that maybe you didn't have before.

3. Cut the relationship off entirely.

• Sometimes that’s the cleanest decision.

4. Pretend everything’s fine.

• Deny that there is anything wrong. When you see the person, you'll act like nothing happened (because you're denying anything ever did). In the moment, it might feel normal, even warm; however, it potentially sets the stage for another letdown because nothing was resolved. The dynamic hasn’t changed. The next time you reach out, the silence returns.

The only way to break the cycle is to confront the story. Let them confirm it. Let them deny it. Let them explain it. But I encourage you not to leave the narrative unchecked.

Once you know their truth, you get to choose how to move forward, and thus is the dance. You either accept their version, deny their version, or keep living as-is, because the other option is avoidance, which tells us we never addressed the problem, so there is no problem to discuss.

No matter what action is taken, we have to let go of the notion, however small, that we can control the way in which people respond. Not their thoughts, their actions, or their capacity. We are only responsible for how we show up. We establish and adjust expectations as needed, define boundaries, rebuild, or walk away from people and things that don't serve us or our direction.

At the end of the day, when you look at yourself in the mirror, ask:

Did I show up the way I wanted to?

Did I respect myself?

Did I respect them?

That's what is in your control. The integrity that you carry, and alignment with yourself and those truly close to you, and your maker. That is the part that you get to control, and no one gets to silence that part of you.